I was just thinking about how I used to binge eat. Not to say that I haven’t over-eaten but over eating when you are alone is a whole other kind of eating.
Surface thoughts were around boredom. I would call it entertainment. It’s funny how the mind will justify things so that we don’t recognize the abuse that’s really going on within.
I knew it wasn’t good for me. I’d say funny comments to myself about the bag of tortilla chips leaving the house in my tummy vs the garbage can. I would “have” to finish off the entire bag of cookies and it felt like organizing or cleaning up.
I spent many nights eating an entire bag of candy corn. I would sit on the couch, watching TV, pause from eating when my stomach had clearly had enough, and when my stomach allowed, I’d continue.
My favorites, thick crust pizza and carrot cake. I remember living with a boyfriend that was twice my size and we’d have a weekly “cheat”. When he’d pass out from the food, I’d secretly continue eating.
Hormones, gut health, habitual behavior, yes, those played a part. But knowing what I know now about the power I have to change the way I *think* is far more powerful.
Slowly over time, the binging decreased. Binging is not something I say to myself anymore and the memory of doing it only came up as I was thinking back at who I used to be.
I was abusing myself, mentally and physically. Damn. Even to put it in to those words now is like an awareness light bulb to the help that I needed for so many years.
I was unaware of how little I loved myself.
I was unaware of my feeling lost in the world without direction, purpose or connection.
I was unaware of how I let boyfriends influence me to binge once a week and call it healthy.
I was unaware of how the guilt and shame I would feel afterwards, only perpetuated the cycle of lack of self worth.
I had created my own hell.
Years of physical and mental abuse created symptoms and outcomes within my body. I developed hypothyroid, low cortisol, and gut dysbiosis. This showed up as not being able to sleep, lethargic which feels different than tired, achy body, unable to recover from even the slightest bit of weight training, IBS, gas, constipation, bloating...and sadly for a long time I thought it was “just the way I was”.
I didn’t have the money to hire a natural doctor (my preference over conventional medicine) and even at that I didn’t have insurance a lot of the time being self employed.
I chose to *blindly* suffer.
I don’t know who that woman is anymore.
I look back and my heart goes out to her.
I AM IN CONTROL NOW. I see who the REAL ME is. Slowly but surely, my habits have shifted as I trained my mind...DAILY!
The 4 pillars journaling system saved me. It’s still saving me. I continue to learn, grow, understand and move myself from a place of being the victim where I was completely unaware, to a place of empowerment, allowing for mistakes over perfection, which allows me to become an even better version of me.
I love sharing this system. I love practicing this system.
If you are reading this and seeing bits of yourself, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for taking the time to read and seek the tools to better yourself.
WIN for YOU!
Counting WINS is my favorite pillar of the 4 pillars.
This is a powerful way of building your self love muscle!
Try it for a week and let me know how you feel!
YOU ARE WORTH IT! ❤️